While an orgasm can usually be an indicator of good sex, sometimes the lack of an orgasm makes sex even better. For some, orgasm denial, or the practice of intentionally refraining for orgasm is the ultimate goal. Carol Queen , PhD and Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations , explains everything you wanted to know about orgasm denial but were too afraid to ask:. It's generally done within the context of a dominant and submissive partner. Queen explains that with orgasm denial, one partner usually orders the other partner not to orgasm, or one partner puts their ability to orgasm in the power of their partner. But it can also be practiced alone.
Many a professional dominatrix will tell you she will not allow submissives to orgasm during the session. I did. Mainly because if they did cum halfway through, it meant I could clock off early and get on with a nice boxset. Of course, if they specifically asked for orgasm control or chastity then we could start to play with a variety of devices — both physical and psychological — that come in pretty handy for me. Orgasm control is basically what it sounds like: you control whether your partner can cum or not. No bells, no whistles.
A beginner’s guide to orgasm control for men by a former dominatrix
The experience withheld can be any favored or desired sexual activities, such as specific acts or positions, provided it is something the practitioner wants. Erotic sexual denial is commonly used as sex play between intimate partners , but it can also be indulged in as an individual practice. Orgasm control practices like edging are well-known varieties of erotic sexual denial in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm. Erotic sexual denial is commonly, but not exclusively, practiced in association with BDSM and sexual bondage. To be able to control an orgasm of a partner in such sex games, physical restraints are commonly used.
But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist , to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. I've vaguely heard of it before, but I don't know how it actually works. I would love step-by-step instructions for how to try orgasm control for the first time.